Have you ever left a conversation wondering whether you were being yourself or performing a version of yourself that felt safer?
For many neurodivergent people, this question becomes especially charged when the topic of “growth” or “learning new skills” comes up. If you’ve spent much of your life masking, it can be hard to trust that growth won’t mean more hiding, more self-editing and more loss of self.
So how do we tell the difference between masking and genuine growth?
Understanding this distinction can have a profound impact on your energy, confidence and sense of self.
Masking vs. Developing Communication Skills
Masking is when you hide or change parts of yourself (consciously or unconsciously) to fit in or meet others’ expectations. It’s a survival strategy that helps us to cope in situations where we want to avoid negative outcomes.
Sometimes, you know you’re masking. Other times, it happens automatically without you even realising it - which makes it difficult to know whether this is just you or a masked version of your true yourself.
Learning and developing communication skills is a clearly intentional process. You’re exploring or using learned strategies to express yourself more clearly, navigate social situations or connect with others - without erasing who you are.
Both masking and skill-building can look similar from the outside. In both cases, you might adapt how you speak, pause before responding or approach situations differently. The difference lies in what is happening to you on the inside.
Masking is about suppressing yourself in order to blend in or avoid standing out. It involves hiding or reshaping natural responses so that you fit someone else’s expectations, often at the expense of your own comfort, energy or sense of self.
Learning and developing skills, on the other hand, is about growth rather than concealment. It may feel unfamiliar or awkward at first, but the aim is not to hide who you are. It’s to expand your ability to express yourself, connect and be understood. Instead of shrinking yourself to fit in, skill-building supports you to show up more fully, in ways that align with your values and needs.
Signs You Might Be Masking
Even while learning communication skills, you may find yourself unintentionally or intentionally masking. Some clues:
How to Develop Skills Without Masking
Is it even possible to improve communication without losing yourself? This is something we often explore in therapy sessions.
Developing communication skills is valid and valuable but it shouldn’t come first. Without a foundation of self-awareness and self-acceptance, skill-building can easily slide into masking rather than growth.
To be clear, when we talk about developing communication skills in this way, we’re not talking about forcing eye contact, manufacturing smiles or pretending to have emotions you don’t feel. Those are masking strategies. They’re exhausting and unnecessary.
Instead, the focus is on a gradual, supported journey toward growth finding ways to communicate that allow you to be understood without asking you to disappear in the process. This is not about fixing yourself, rather it’s about expanding what you already have.
Here are some guiding principles we often work with:
Start from Self-Permission, Not Self-Correction
You don’t need to erase your quirks, instincts or natural ways of responding in order to communicate effectively. Growth begins with permission. Permission to be different, to take up space and to communicate in ways that feel aligned with who you are.
Notice What Supports You (Rather Than What You’re “Doing Wrong”)
Instead of monitoring yourself for mistakes, the work is about noticing what helps you feel more resourced and grounded. For example, giving yourself extra time to respond or using pauses to organise your thoughts is very different from suppressing your reactions or forcing yourself to sound “normal.”
Practice in Safe and Supported Contexts
Growth happens best in low-pressure environments where experimentation is allowed. This might mean trying out strategies like clarifying your ideas or asking questions to support connection without the expectation of getting it “right.” This is where therapeutic support can be especially valuable, offering space to explore and reflect without judgment.
Use Supportive Reflection, Not Evaluation
Rather than asking people to assess or critique you, it’s often more helpful to reflect alongside someone you trust or with a professional who understands neurodivergence. This kind of support helps you reality-check harsh self-judgments and notice what’s already working. (And yes, it’s very often better than you think.)
Striking the Balance
Learning communication skills is about growth, not disguise. Masking, whether conscious or unconscious, is about survival. When you can recognise the difference, you gain the freedom to show up authentically while still feeling able to develop skills that help you navigate social situations with greater ease.
Your voice matters. You can evolve your communication without erasing who you are. Masking may help you adapt, but authenticity is what allows you to thrive.
Linda Philips
MSc. Human Communication
Linda Philips works closely with neurodivergent individuals and their families, supporting emotional wellbeing, relationships and self-management skills. She offers individual sessions, runs a supportive group for university students, contributes to autism assessments and provides training for businesses, helping employers and employees find effective ways of working together. Linda is passionate about helping people understand themselves better and thrive in their daily lives. If you’d like to work with her, you can email her on [email protected] or book a free call here.